Stealing My Time

Once again, the scourge of anorexia us stealing away my time. I think far too much about food, exercise, weight and eating disorders. It consumes my mind whenever I have free time. It makes moving forward in my life a sluggish journey. I'm so tired of it, yet too scared of what my body would expand to if I stopped grapsing onto the few aspects fo the eating disorder that I still feel I need. I feel that if I stopped weighing in, I would balloon to 125 pounds (which would actually be fairly normal for my height and age). Considering I am very uncomfortable with my present 98 pounds, I feel that is too dangerous to contemplate. I've been that size before for brief periods and although my concentration and thinking and overall health improved, I was not psychologically ready and rarely let myself be seen in public becasue I felt so monstrous. My current size is a compromise: not thin enough to look anorexic (although technically I supposed it is--barely) but thin enough to have people constantly comment on how skinny I am and speculate about why. I need to hear that I am thin from time to time. I know that is stupid, but it is positive reinforcement for being relativley restrained in regards to my intake. It is validation that I am doing something I am supposed to be doing. I am thin enough to see bones, but not so thin that I can't easily hide the bones. I am thin enough to wear a 0, but not so thin that I need to buy children's clothing. Thin enough to feel ill, (and yes, I still feel the need to punish myself with slight ill health and steady hunger) but not so ill that I can't work or go to school. I'm on the fence still. Anorexia or normality? I guess I haven't decided.

Anorexia's a Thief: Blacked out

Anorexia's a Thief: Blacked out

Blacked out

Three weeks ago, I woke up feeling dizzy. I ate about half of my usual breakfast (1 cup of bran flakes with 1/4 c 1% milk diluted with a cup of water) and my usual several cups of black coffee. Fainted later that morning. How embarrassing--but I refused to have anyone call the paramedics.
BP running around 95/65, which isn't really that low, but there are other reasons people faint. I usually assume it has to do with blood pressure.
Ate almost nothing yesterday and had a hard time sleeping.
Weight: too too high. I'm 98 pounds. And it is all in the boobs, butt and thighs.
I was walking in a park the other night and left as it got dark. The gates had closed, these wrought iron gates with sizeable gaps. I fit my head through. Hm, should be able to get through. . . no! my boobs got stuck. I might have been able to get through, but since I didn't slide easily, I didn't want to risk actually getting stuck. I tried legs first and my ass was too large. Gross. I wear a 0, but I'm short, about 5'3 1/2. Size zero looks pretty plump on a short girl like me. Oh, shut the fuck up anorexia.