Torn

I'm torn. I see all the good things that have happened in my life because my eating disorder has lessened so much in its intensity, and I know that losing weight will jeoparidize all that progress--yet I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit. And fat suits are meant to be taken off. I still don't feel comfortable in my body. It is alien to have all this weight. I should be comfortable by now! It has been three years almost that I've maintained between 95-105 pounds. Yes, it is on the low side, but I'm very surprised I haven't fallen below 95 not once in all that time! I'm not sure I'm pleased, though, and that is a problem.

So here is my response: distract yourself! Get a life! Hang out with people! Don't retreat into the world of sickness and misery! It is a dead end.
I think the best way of countering the ambivalence is to ask for God's help (which I have, except for the gaining weight part of it, which is frankly a sympton of me still being on the fence.) Another thing I should do (and don't) is see a shrink m ore often than I do. My schedule is busy, but I could make time if it was a priority. I think to be perfectly honest, despite the continuing aggravation and illness, I'm not committed to recovery. Because that would make me fat(ter). And I already feel extremely fat. And I'm still addicted to the thrill, the manic energy of hunger. I've now been stuck in this awkward place where I'm not very sick and seem to funciton fairly well, but where I can't be called recovered. Sometimes I even wonder if I should claim recovery (even partial) because of my attitudes and behavior. Yes, they are less extreme, but they are still eating disordered. It is discouraging, however, if I could reach the point where I could relinquish the power the scale and foods has over me, I have no doubt I could proudly recover. Why don't I make that choice?

On another note, one of my videos has been called "triggering" and the poster commented that I know the video is triggering. Well, yes--but that is the lure to draw in the people that troll for "thinspiration"--and smack them on the head with the unpleasant, lonely and pathetic reality that is anorexia. Guess my point was lost on that person. . . I think that the same thing could be said of the now defunct anorexic web and the current blog by Medusa. There is a strong message there, and lots of triggering images paired with the truth. I might be a crap video maker, too, thus defeating my intentions! However, most of the feedback has been positive. I think I'll keep the vids on for now. I'll probably take them down eventually. . . and make a vid that conveys a similar message w/o the images. I'll keep it up for now b/c I'm curious about what other people think.

If I removed my vids, though, would that mean that I'm hiding and denying what happened and what is happening with me? Like gee, what eating disorder? I can delete it with a keystroke. Sometimes I want to. I want to erase it all. But I do that at the peril of repeating my mistakes, I think. And I do think I have a message to convey. Perhaps I need to be wiser about the vehicle I choose.
Cheers.