Running--A Trigger

I love running. It makes me more alert and alive. I feel closer to God when I run. I feel invincible when I run.

But. I also start thinking about weight loss when I run. Right now, I'm at a much healthier weight than I was last spring and summer; I'm 100 pounds. Yup-three digits. Scares me. I'm still not very accepting of anything close to a normal weight. But I have to admit it feels great to be in good mood most of the time, be able to focus, to sit, to eat with other people, to not be in constant pain, constantly dizzy, to not have my heart pounding erratically, not not have my hair falling out in clumps. Yes. It feels great! So why then--why does running trigger me so much? Why do I want to weigh 90 (or less)? It scares people. It scares me. It is unpleasant and sometimes horrifying for everyone.

I have to keep telling myself this. It is not worth it. I have a wonderful boyfriend, whom I love; wonderful parents that I no longer want caring for me--I want to start caring for them. I don't want the kids I work with to think I'm scary or sick.