I want to be healthy but I want to be thinnnnn

I want health--I hate the pain the insanity the weakness the ugliness of anorexia. But I still want the thin body. I don't feel comfortable with my breasts, with my ass, with my hips. I liked my body best when I weighed 85 or less. I didn't think I was thin but I could tolerate my body then. My body at 96 pounds is cumbersome and heavy and sluggish. It is made of lead, it seems. Yet I eat because I fear relapse. But--part of me hopes I will relapse, but that the relapse only means lower weight and none of the problems that accompany worsening anorexia. Deluded much?