Running--A Trigger

I love running. It makes me more alert and alive. I feel closer to God when I run. I feel invincible when I run.

But. I also start thinking about weight loss when I run. Right now, I'm at a much healthier weight than I was last spring and summer; I'm 100 pounds. Yup-three digits. Scares me. I'm still not very accepting of anything close to a normal weight. But I have to admit it feels great to be in good mood most of the time, be able to focus, to sit, to eat with other people, to not be in constant pain, constantly dizzy, to not have my heart pounding erratically, not not have my hair falling out in clumps. Yes. It feels great! So why then--why does running trigger me so much? Why do I want to weigh 90 (or less)? It scares people. It scares me. It is unpleasant and sometimes horrifying for everyone.

I have to keep telling myself this. It is not worth it. I have a wonderful boyfriend, whom I love; wonderful parents that I no longer want caring for me--I want to start caring for them. I don't want the kids I work with to think I'm scary or sick.

90 pounds

Weight went down to 90 late May. I kept getting injured at work and took forever to heal. I kept missing meals because I was so afraid that not counting my calories would put too much weight on. My arthritis flared up and I could barely walk. I gained a few pounds in June with Ensure and endless eating (boyfriend, friends and family were concerned). Three pounds! So revolting, I thought. I drank myself silly a few times, hated the social repercussions and stopped. And then I lost those three pounds. Back at 90 and feel fat still. Stress at work, in relationships and at school intensified. Guess I'm a masochist and don't want to be happy after all.

Torn

I'm torn. I see all the good things that have happened in my life because my eating disorder has lessened so much in its intensity, and I know that losing weight will jeoparidize all that progress--yet I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit. And fat suits are meant to be taken off. I still don't feel comfortable in my body. It is alien to have all this weight. I should be comfortable by now! It has been three years almost that I've maintained between 95-105 pounds. Yes, it is on the low side, but I'm very surprised I haven't fallen below 95 not once in all that time! I'm not sure I'm pleased, though, and that is a problem.

So here is my response: distract yourself! Get a life! Hang out with people! Don't retreat into the world of sickness and misery! It is a dead end.
I think the best way of countering the ambivalence is to ask for God's help (which I have, except for the gaining weight part of it, which is frankly a sympton of me still being on the fence.) Another thing I should do (and don't) is see a shrink m ore often than I do. My schedule is busy, but I could make time if it was a priority. I think to be perfectly honest, despite the continuing aggravation and illness, I'm not committed to recovery. Because that would make me fat(ter). And I already feel extremely fat. And I'm still addicted to the thrill, the manic energy of hunger. I've now been stuck in this awkward place where I'm not very sick and seem to funciton fairly well, but where I can't be called recovered. Sometimes I even wonder if I should claim recovery (even partial) because of my attitudes and behavior. Yes, they are less extreme, but they are still eating disordered. It is discouraging, however, if I could reach the point where I could relinquish the power the scale and foods has over me, I have no doubt I could proudly recover. Why don't I make that choice?

On another note, one of my videos has been called "triggering" and the poster commented that I know the video is triggering. Well, yes--but that is the lure to draw in the people that troll for "thinspiration"--and smack them on the head with the unpleasant, lonely and pathetic reality that is anorexia. Guess my point was lost on that person. . . I think that the same thing could be said of the now defunct anorexic web and the current blog by Medusa. There is a strong message there, and lots of triggering images paired with the truth. I might be a crap video maker, too, thus defeating my intentions! However, most of the feedback has been positive. I think I'll keep the vids on for now. I'll probably take them down eventually. . . and make a vid that conveys a similar message w/o the images. I'll keep it up for now b/c I'm curious about what other people think.

If I removed my vids, though, would that mean that I'm hiding and denying what happened and what is happening with me? Like gee, what eating disorder? I can delete it with a keystroke. Sometimes I want to. I want to erase it all. But I do that at the peril of repeating my mistakes, I think. And I do think I have a message to convey. Perhaps I need to be wiser about the vehicle I choose.
Cheers.

Stealing My Time

Once again, the scourge of anorexia us stealing away my time. I think far too much about food, exercise, weight and eating disorders. It consumes my mind whenever I have free time. It makes moving forward in my life a sluggish journey. I'm so tired of it, yet too scared of what my body would expand to if I stopped grapsing onto the few aspects fo the eating disorder that I still feel I need. I feel that if I stopped weighing in, I would balloon to 125 pounds (which would actually be fairly normal for my height and age). Considering I am very uncomfortable with my present 98 pounds, I feel that is too dangerous to contemplate. I've been that size before for brief periods and although my concentration and thinking and overall health improved, I was not psychologically ready and rarely let myself be seen in public becasue I felt so monstrous. My current size is a compromise: not thin enough to look anorexic (although technically I supposed it is--barely) but thin enough to have people constantly comment on how skinny I am and speculate about why. I need to hear that I am thin from time to time. I know that is stupid, but it is positive reinforcement for being relativley restrained in regards to my intake. It is validation that I am doing something I am supposed to be doing. I am thin enough to see bones, but not so thin that I can't easily hide the bones. I am thin enough to wear a 0, but not so thin that I need to buy children's clothing. Thin enough to feel ill, (and yes, I still feel the need to punish myself with slight ill health and steady hunger) but not so ill that I can't work or go to school. I'm on the fence still. Anorexia or normality? I guess I haven't decided.

Anorexia's a Thief: Blacked out

Anorexia's a Thief: Blacked out

Blacked out

Three weeks ago, I woke up feeling dizzy. I ate about half of my usual breakfast (1 cup of bran flakes with 1/4 c 1% milk diluted with a cup of water) and my usual several cups of black coffee. Fainted later that morning. How embarrassing--but I refused to have anyone call the paramedics.
BP running around 95/65, which isn't really that low, but there are other reasons people faint. I usually assume it has to do with blood pressure.
Ate almost nothing yesterday and had a hard time sleeping.
Weight: too too high. I'm 98 pounds. And it is all in the boobs, butt and thighs.
I was walking in a park the other night and left as it got dark. The gates had closed, these wrought iron gates with sizeable gaps. I fit my head through. Hm, should be able to get through. . . no! my boobs got stuck. I might have been able to get through, but since I didn't slide easily, I didn't want to risk actually getting stuck. I tried legs first and my ass was too large. Gross. I wear a 0, but I'm short, about 5'3 1/2. Size zero looks pretty plump on a short girl like me. Oh, shut the fuck up anorexia.

Keep Busy--it is the cure to evil anorexic thoughts

Being busy helping others, going to work, educating myself is the only way to keep my mind from going where it shouldn't. In my free time, I misbehave. I dwell too much on the fat that needs to disappear. By keeping busy, I can keep myself from becoming any sicker. I'm not in bad shape at all now, I'm consistent in my weight--I keep it within an eight pound range usually. It is underweight but not emaciated. I don't menstruate, but I've had a couple periods in the past three years. That means something is working right. Not much lanugo, keep fairly warm, feel faint sometimes but don't pass out cold, some pain and stiffness and heart palpatations, but it is by no means debilitating like it used to be. My anoerxia is basically a low grade fever at this point--the crisis has passed.
Downside? No free time, really. I'm exhausted.